Latest Problems

Hellooo Darlings!! Since word has got around that I’m back, my inbox has been stuffed tight with your naughty dilemmas. Here’s a selection -

Dear Clamidia, 

I’m a highly sexed lady in my mid-50’s. The other day I decided to experiment with vibrating love-eggs and went to the supermarket with the eggs stuffed up my foo-foo. At first it was fine and I’d had 17 orgasms before I’d even got to the fish counter. But at the self-service checkout I bent down to pick up some carrots I’d dropped and the eggs popped out onto the scanner. It rang up a £13,500 bill before I could pop them back up me and I can’t afford to pay it. I am currently sitting in the managers office with two security guards. Any ideas how to get out of this?

Clamidia says,

A half-decent prostitute would normally work on about £400 per hour so that works out to 33.75 hours of ‘favours’. So make up a bed in the warehouse and put out for a week. Make sure you give the trolley bloke a go though, I’m sure they’ve never had as much as a sniff in their lives – poor souls.

eggs

Up my foo-foo

checkout 2

Checkout floosie

Dear Clamidia,

I’m considering having my anus bleached – any advice?

Clamidia says,

You’re considering what? Ass bleaching! Why would anyone……. hang on, let me Google it……

Ok, looks expensive. My advice is to do it yourself at home with a toothbrush and some Domestos. Ass bleaching – whatever next, clit-blasting?

domestos

Feminine Bum Bleach

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a ‘Real Housewife’ off the telly. I live in California with my husband because he’s rich. I have a fabulous lifestyle and all I do is shop, moan and gossip. But I’m finding this lifestyle unrewarding, it neither stimulates my intellect nor satisfies my instinctive need to help those less fortunate than me. I’m considering enrolling on a course so I can gain the knowledge that I need to establish a charitable foundation. Any advice.

Clamidia says,

I wouldn’t bother love. Let’s face it, within three days of your first class you’ll be back crying over spilt nail polish and bitching with your stupid mates. Have you thought about having a brain transplant?

real housewife

A Real Housewife

Dear Clamidia,

I’m the leader of a quasi-religious sex cult. My name is ‘The Great Rama Lama Dingdong’. Not only do I get to shag my own harem full of gorgeous women every day, I am also fabulously wealthy and I do absolutely bugger all the rest of the time except play pool, watch footie and drink beer. I can’t describe how happy I am. The trouble is, out of sheer boredom yesterday I stuck an Action Man up my arse and I can’t get the bastard out. Any tips?

Clamidia says,

I’ve often fantasised about having Action Man up my back passage, but if it’s the one with the gripping hands you might have a bit of trouble extracting him from ‘Le Mission Impossiblé’. Whether you’ve got chapped lips or your backside requires superlube, Vaseline’s always the answer. So get one of your fancy women to Vas you up and remove our intrepid friend with a sink plunger.

actionman

Sex Toy

plunger

Rumpy Pumpy

Photo of Kate Middleton’s Tits

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a member of the British Royal Family and live a life if privilege and fame. It’s very stressful and in my spare time I like to relax by doing photography. As you’ve been kind enough to advise the family on ‘issues’ in the past I thought I’d send you a picture I took in the grounds of Buckingham Palace this morning. Hope you like it.

Kate Middletton's Tits

Kate Middleton’s Tits

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clamidia says,

Thank you Kate, that certainly is an impressive pair of tits you have there.

Dear Clamidia,

Oooo…..and while I’m at it here’s one of Prince Harry’s cock. It’s enormous and always wakes us all up in the mornings.

Harry's Huge Cock

Harry’s Huge Cock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

….. Oh, and I almost forgot the Queen’s Boobies – here they are! :)

Royal Boobies

 

 

 

 

 

Clamidia says,

I’ve always wanted to see Harry’s cock so thanks for that. I didn’t realise that The Royal Family was such a goldmine of innuendo!

 

(p.s. whilst this post seems to be going viral I may as well put a call out to agents and publishers for the autobiography I’m writing. It’s about me!! If you’re a literary agent or publisher and want to find that next elusive best-seller email me on clamidiastaines@gmail.com)

And don’t forget to follow this blog and join me on Facebook and Twitter for lot’s of naughty fun (links on right of page ->)

 

Celebrity Problems!!

Hellooooooo my little love-munchkins!!

It’s not just ‘civilians’ that need the services of yours truly. My postbag has been stuffed with problems from famous celebs. It seems that a glamourous life of fame, wealth and privilege is too much for their poor little brains to cope with. Bless ‘em!

So here’s a selection of the problems sent in by celebs recently. There’s lots more so I will post them here as soon.

Love & hugs,

Clamidia xx

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m an aging female popster – some say I’m a living icon. Even though I’m in my 50s I still manage to sexily strut my stuff like a stripper half my age. Problem is when I perform my energetic dance routines a bit of wee comes out. What can I do?

Clamdia says,

Well Madge, there’s no holding back the march of time and you’ll just have to accept that you’re too old to prance around like an old trollop clinging to her youth. Let’s face it, you’re hardly “like a virgin” any more. With regard to the weeing thing – Tena Ladies do a marvelous range of incontinence products that will stop you peeing on the stage and creating a slip hazard for the other dancers, or maybe get some of those yellow “Wet Floor’ signs and dot them around the stage.

Madonna

Madonna

Tenor

Ladies

Ladies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m an American celebrity starlet named after a famous city in France. I used to be the hottest thing in the media, but now those bloody Kardashians, Real Housewives and that stupid little kid Honey Boo Boo have stolen my limelight. I’m thinking of perfoming a ludicrous PR stunt to regain my title of ‘Queen of Reality TV’, any ideas?

Clamidia says,

Well the last advice I gave you about producing a sex tape certainly elevated you to dizzying heights and your cunning stunt was all over internet. You could start a foundation for under-privileged children or donate huge sums of money to the needy, or you could just get your tits out like you normally do.

Paris

Paris

B&B

B&B

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

Where’s my f**king pills?!! They were here and now they’re not here so I can’t f**king find them as they’re not f**king here. I might have put them over there, but I looked over there and they’re not f**king over there. So if they’re not over here and they’re not over there, where the f**k are they?

Clamidia says,

Ozzy, have you tried looking in your hand?

Ozzy Counts to One

Ozzy Counts to One

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a stick thin former ‘Space Girl’ and fashion designer married to the world’s most high-profile footballer, or as they say in the USA, soccerball star. I have a blessed and priviliged life. Trouble is I’ve spent so much time pouting over the years that I can’t open my mouth wide enough to give my husband a blowjob, any advice?

Clamidia says,

Simply employ someone to crank your mouth open with a car jack, then wedge it open with some blocks of wood. That should do it. If not, drill a hole in the back of your head and give him a reverse blowjob. Good luck!

Victoria

Victoria

Beck

Beck

Ham

Ham

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a famous American rapper. I would tell you my name, but I haven’t got a clue what it is as we all look the same and I’ve forgotten which one I am. Any tips to help me regain my identity.

Clamidia says,

Well….check to see if you wear ridiculous clothes, pants halfway down your legs, a stupid hat, badly spelt gangster tattoos, vulgar jewellery and have an entourage of deranged looking minders. If so you’re probably……. oh hang on……yes, I see your point.

Gangsta Rapper

Gangsta Rapper

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a geriatric playboy and live in a playboy mansion with a bevvy of brainless slappers that I call my …… somethings… I’m not sure. Anyway, even though these ‘somethings’ are pea-brained jezabelles I’m beginning to feel that I’m just really a dirty old man using my fortune to molest young women. Dear Clamidia, I’m a geriatric playboy and live in a playboy mans…. is it time for my commode?

Clamidia says,

Hugh, hello Hugh! Concentrate! You won’t remember, but I went to a party at your mansion many years ago and I can remember you dressed in pyjamas chasing me around a snooker table, slobbering and asking to marry me. So yes, you are far too old to be having sex with young bimbos and you should be ashamed of yourself. You may say that these girls are over the age of consent, but most of them have the IQ of a sandwich so that’s no excuse. So take your pills, sit on your commode and try to remember to pull your pyjama bottoms up.

The Heff

The Heff

Appropriately Aged Bunny

Appropriately Aged Bunny

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a British tennis player and have just won my first Grand Slam title. I’m so pleased because it means that I can finally give up tennis. It’s such a boring game and I’m sick of running up and down and up and down hitting a stupid ball over a stupid net. It’s childish and I only ever played it because my parents made me and I can’t do anything else. So I’m looking for a new career – any ideas?

Clamidia says,

Well I don’t blame you. You’re right, tennis is stupid, but not as stupid as the tennis audience who seem to think that a pigeon flying over the court is hilarious and that wearing a silly hat is tantamount to anarchy. But anyway, in terms of careers; you can’t be a pundit as you’re too boring, you’re not exactly model material and you can’t be rent-boy as you’re too old. As you’re Scottish you should keep out of the sun, have you thought about a career in deep cast mining?

Andy at Work

Andy at Work

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a world famous reality tv star. My name is er….. Bim Bardashian. Anyway, I’m having a secret lesbian fling with another major celeb called er….. Whitney Beers. Well it’s all being going great until last night when another major celeb called er….. Hymen Powell and his mate er….. Peorge Plooney caught us having sex with another major celeb called er….. Weonardo Di Slapmio. We all ended up having an orgy. Whitney and Hymen had sex in the hot tub and I had a threesome with Peorge and Weonardo. Then the doorbell rang and before we knew it a whole host of other celebs burst in including Harre Belly, Lennifer Haniston, Bonald Grump, Don Trabolta, Lemi Boore, Bill Smith, Hennifer Lofez and Lobert De Bero. It turned into a night of drug-fuelled sexual depravity, but little did I know that Manny De Bito was hiding in a plant pot and filmed the whole thing, and now he’s blackmailing us. We want to hire an assassin to kill him as the press would have a field day and it would bring the whole celeb bandwagon crashing down – do you know any assassins we can contact?

Clamidia says,

No.

Sex Asylum

Sex Asylum

This entry was posted on September 11, 2012. 2 Comments

50 Shades of Clamidia

Darlings! Well it had to happen I suppose. Since ‘that book’ came out sexy people the world over have been living out their fantasies and spicing up their sex lives by slapping each other about and sticking things up each others holy places. But recently my inbox has been bulging with 50 Shades related problems. Here’s a just a few I’ve picked out today.

 

Dear Clamidia,

After reading ’50 Shades of Grey’ me and my husband started experimenting in the bedroom. All was going well until about 15 minutes ago when he tied my hands behind my back and tried double-fisting me. He’s now got both arms stuck up me Krakatoa and can’t get them out. I’m having to type this on my laptop using my nose. Please help as we’ve got dinner party guests arriving in half an hour.

Clamidia says,

Simply blow his arms straight out of your pussy by performing an enormous fanny fart.

Cow Fisting Fun

Cow Fisting Fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m writing this as I’m sat in the pub with my mates. We’re hiding from our wives as they’ve been reading ’50 Shades of Grey’ and have started demanding all sorts of weird sexual things. My wife wants me to tie her to the fridge and spank her with an egg whisk while calling her a filthy, stinking whore. Frank’s wife wants him to dress in a suicide vest and shag her rotten whilst shouting “Death to the Infidels!! ” and all our wives want to ram butt plugs up us. We’re all too afraid to go home, what should we do?

Clamidia says,

Well I supposed you’re all used to just climbing on top once a month, doing the business and rolling off when you’re done. Times have changed sonny. Women have all turned into perverts and as husbands you have a responsibility to satisfy their twisted demands. So get your asses home and do the most depraved things imaginable with the reborn hussies you call your wives. If that means getting a dildo shoved up your hole then you’ll just have to bite the pillow and think of England. It’s payback time boys. Oooo, and when you’ve done spanking her don’t forget to throw £20 in her face and call her a slag. Good luck!

Spanky Panky

Spanky Panky

Sexy Suicide Costume

Sexy Suicide Costume

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m Mother Superior in a convent of 250 nuns. Since someone smuggled several copies of ’50 Shades of Grey’ into the convent the nuns have turned into sexual demons. Last week I found Sister Cathleen trussed up like an oven-ready turkey in a dormitory with Sisters Judith and Rachel spanking her naked buttocks with ping pong bats, Sister Eileen is banging anything she can get her hands on, Sister Trixibelle FooFoo McLuscious keeps trying to fist the interns and all the candles have gone missing. I don’t want any advice, but could you send me a copy of the book as I’m horny as Hell and feeling a bit left out?

Clamidia says,

Sounds fantastic!! Where is this convent, I’ll deliver the book personally? I’ve always wanted to shag a nun. Only the once mind, I wouldn’t want to make a ‘habit’ of it!

Nun Boobs

Nun Boobs

Nun Lust

Nun Lust

Sister Spanky

Sister Spanky

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

My husband has always been crap in the bedroom, that was until I bought ’50 Shades of Grey’ to help spice up our sex lives. All was going well at first and I was enjoying dangling from the ceiling by my tits and being ritually spanked and humiliated. But he’s started taking it a bit far. Last night he made me crawl around the garden on all fours oinking like a pig and foraging for truffles. When I couldn’t find any he became very angry and started shouting at me. I’m so confused, what should I do?

Clamidia says,

Do a Google search for ‘truffles’ you stupid woman.

Spanking

Spanking

A Pig

A Pig

Spreading Clamida Around the World!!

Just a quick ‘HELLOOOOOO!!” to all my new visitors from around the world. I’m truly global now! How on Earth are you people in Qatar finding out about me? It wasn’t that ‘diplomatic incident’ was it? So hello to all my sexy new chums in Australia, Kenya, USA, Canada, New Zealand, Spain, Russia, India, Brazil, Romania, Japan, Croatia, Denmark, Italy, Taiwan, The Philippines and all the other countries who are visiting daily, and not forgetting dear old Blighty!!

I’ve had to employ Hubert to help me manage it all! I’d give Jerry the Dwarf a job, but he prefers running around in his underpants chasing sticks.

I love you all. Enjoy your visit, follow and share if you can and I hope you all come again and again!!!

Clamidia xx

p.s. Oooo, and don’t forget to comment or email me. I love to hear from you and I promise I will reply personally. xx

Olympic-sized Problem

Dear Clamidia,

I’m an Olympic athlete and I have an enormous erm…. problem. Rather than going into too much detail, it’s probably best if I send a photo.

Image

Trouble is, I’m a hurdler…… any tips

Clamidia says,

TIPS??!! You’ve got to be kidding!!! Get your backside over here NOW!! And bring that……that…THING with you!!!

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’ve been having great sex with my cleaner. Trouble is it’s a vacuum cleaner and I’ve got my knob stuck. What should I do?

Clamidia says,

Send me the pictures, sounds hilarious!

Char Lady Lust

Char Lady Lust

You're a ...

You’re a …

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

My husband wants me to become a transvestite, but as I am already a woman I’m not sure what to do. Any tips on turning myself into a sexy tranny?

Clamidia says,

I don’t know who’s dafter, your husband for his ridiculous demand or you for going along with it? But you asked for my advice so I suggest you buy extremely gaudy clothes, size 10 stilettos, a Dolly Parton wig and plaster yourself with makeup. If you have a penis then strap it between you legs. That should do it.

Tranny Win

Tranny Fail

Tranny Fail

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m having a secret affair that nobody knows about. Each week I disappear off with the man of my dreams and he whisks me away to exciting destinations for romantic trysts. He’s absolutely gorgeous, treats me like a goddess and I’m having the greatest sex imaginable. There isn’t a problem, I’m just writing to brag about it.

Clamidia says,