Hellooooooo My Little Sex Monkeys!!

Well once again you just cant seem to keep yourselves out of trouble! Here’s a selection of the problems sent to me this week by you my adoring public.

Dear Clamidia,

My girlfriend wants me to talk dirty to her in bed but, being a bouncer, I’m a bit shy. Just last night she screamed at me to talk filthy to her but I panicked and shouted, ‘Your Mam’s a Bastard!!’ She loved it, so I shouted more and more and more and more. Well pretty soon the whole pub was chanting it and then her Mam came in. Being an old lady it seemed rather tight for a pub full of people to be calling her a bastard. I want to buy her a special present to say sorry. Any ideas?

Clamidia says,

Being a bouncer you’ve probably got to save your money for steroids so take her to Wetherspoon’s for a couple of hours like everyone else does. Let’s face it, she used to think powered egg was as good as it gets so you’re quids in. And try to persuade her to have the scampi. She’ll want roast beef, but its terrific fun sniggering with the kids as she wipes her chin with rocket salad thinking it’s a napkin. Also as a special surprise you can get your youngest child to present her with some cheap chocolates from the market.

Rocket

Rocket

Salad

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I want to have nasal sex but my boyfriend isn’t keen. I love the thought of taking it up the sniffer. But he says it’s a ridiculous idea. How can I persuade him?

Clamidia says,

Firstly develop a serious cocaine habit and destroy your septum until you’ve only got one nostril like that blonde thing who used to be in EastEnders. Then get a bottle of Tequila. Pretty soon he’ll be up for anything and you’ll really know the meaning of the expression ‘Getting your brains shagged out!’

Nose Vagina

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

My wife wants a sexy threesome with her gorgeous mate Suki and me. Every day she describes in intimate detail how her and Suki are going to put on a girl-on-girl show and give me a night I’ll never forget. Trouble is, I’m currently serving 10 years for armed robbery. She’s a complete bastard. I’m sure she does it on purpose. But I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth and am planning a daring escape. Any advice?

Clamidia says,

Escaping from prison can be tricky. I’d erect a giant catapult out of spoons I’d stolen from the kitchen and propel myself over the prison walls, steal a car and race to the nearest airport, where I’d hi-jack a plane and crash land it in a field, jump out of the burning cockpit and run to the arms of my lover to live the fantasy. Alternatively, you can lie in your squalid little cell masturbating.

Cell

Cell

Master

Master

Baiting

Baiting

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a voluptuous and extremely alluring sexy Russian spy. My name is Nataliah. The trouble is, I get terrible cystitis sometimes when I’m spying. What can I do?

Clamidia says,

Cranberries, cranberries, cranberries, and lots of them darling! They may drop out occasionally, but just discreetly pop them back up you when you are ‘undercover’ with a hunky foreign agent.

Cranberries

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

My wife seems to be losing her sex drive. She’s 92 and I’m 25. Each night I try to romance her and treat her with sexy surprises such as lingerie or nipple clamps, but she just falls asleep in front of the telly, mouth open, dribbling. When she does eventually wake up, I sexily peel off her cardigan, undo her bra and, after her commode, I whisk her to the bedroom for rampant sex. But she just seems to lie there like she’s not interested, even when I’m going down on her or licking her armpits. She’s so selfish and doesn’t seem to understand that I’m a young man and have ‘needs’. What can I do to ignite her sexual fires?

Clamidia says:

Well have you thought about getting her one of those Rampant Rabbit vibrators? The more powerful the better. That should kick-start the old engine. Or how about making her wear sexy thigh-length boots then whipping her with a riding crop. Old people’s skin can be tough as Rhino hide so make sure you whip her soundly. That, the combination of the Rampant Rabbit and maybe a butt plug thrown in for good measure, will certainly liven the old dear up a bit. If not, try peeing on her. Good luck!

Octogenarian Jezebel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t forget to look in the archive for more hilarious sexy problems xx

 

Copyright H E Roberts 2007 -2012  All rights reserved. No part of the wording on this blog may be used, published or distributed for commercial gain, but please feel free to share for non-commercial use online. Clamidia Staines is a character created by H E Roberts and is protected by copyright. Please do not attempt to recreate, or pose as the character in any way. All rights very much reserved.

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