Here’s a selection of problems I received from some religious leaders. I’ve noticed that there aren’t any female religious leaders out there, so come on girls, let’s all set up religions and beat these despots at their own game!! xx
I’m a pope and I live in a vatican in Rome. I am writing with two problems:
1) I am facing a crisis of conscience as, although I am the leader of one of the world’s major Christian religions, I’m really a pagan at heart. I only took on the job because I’d been out of work for a while and needed the cash. All I really want to do is dance naked around a camp fire worshipping the Forest God and frollicking with sexy young women. But I get well paid as a pope and I enjoy the adoration so I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot. Any tips as to how I can achieve this without being rumbled and getting sacked?
2) Another thing that’s really getting on my tits is that everyone else in my vatican gets loads of sex and I’m not getting any action at all. I feel really left out. What should I do?
Use one of the many secret chambers under your vatican to erect a secret shrine to the Forest God and then hold depraved Bunga Bunga parties with Silvio Burlusconi. He knows loads of slappers who’d be more than happy to shag you for a couple of cocktails and a few quid. Then you get to have lots of sex and appease your conscience and you get to keep your job. Good luck!
I’m a Dalai Lama. I travel the world spreading peace and enlightenment. Trouble is I’ve got a massive schlong and it’s creating some embarrassment for me. I’m just a normal guy and subject to the physical conditions all men face. In other words, at dawn prayers my morning stiffie pokes my orange robe up like a scout’s tent and whacks me on the chin when I bend over to pray. It’s hard to concentrate on enlightenment with a cock on your chin and your students sniggering behind your back. Also I’ve got an appearance on ‘Good Morning America’ coming up and I’m worried that my ding dong will make an unscheduled appearance. Any advice?
Get some duct tape and simply strap your ‘ding dong’ between your legs like transvestites do. Remember not to sit down too fast though or you’ll end up shagging your own bum. You wouldn’t want to “become one with yourself” live on breakfast tv now would you.
I’m the leader of an American fundamentalist Christian organisation and I hate gays a lot. Loads in fact. I’m always harping on about it. Why can’t men be proper butch like Freddie Mercury? Sometimes as I’m relaxing at home listening to George Michael or Elton John, I think, “These gays should all rot in Hell”. Anyway, my problem is that I’ve developed a crush on my mate Eric and want to shag him up the bum. I’m so confused, what should I do?
I think you should shag Eric up the bum.
I’m an Archbishop of Canterbury and I’m at odds with the ordination of women bishops. Its not that I think it distracts the male clergy as most of them are either gay or into young boys, but it’s just that the women bishops never stop yakking and it’s doing my head in. How can I get them to shut the fuck up?
Nothing shuts women up faster than a nice cup of hot chocolate and a cake. Either that or stick your cock in their mouths.
I’m a well known American tv evangelist. I spend my days ranting into a television camera and duping old ladies out of their retirement funds. I’m unbelievably wealthy, live in a huge mansion with a fleet of luxury cars and have an hareem of gorgeous women to satisfy my perverse sexual demands. Trouble is, after all the cocaine and hashish I’ve taken I’m beginning to develop a conscience about my deplorable behaviour and am considering changing my ways. What can I do to quash these thoughts as I don’t want to end up like some boring pious twerp?
Have you thought of becoming porn baron or international drug dealer? It’s a more honourable profession and you get to continue your life of excess.