Today’s Top Problems!

Dear Clamidia,

I’m really crap in bed and so’s my wife. We’ve read other advice columns and followed their instructions, and I can’t tell you how much body chocolate my wife has licked off me or how much fruit I’ve stuck up her chuff, but to no avail. I still can’t get a stiffie and my wife’s last orgasm was on a donkey in Blackpool. Please help as we’re bored shitless with each other.

Clamidia says:

Poor souls. I’ve read many advice columns and all they ever say is: use body chocolate, stick food up each other, shag in the airing cupboard or dress up like a slag when your husband least expects it. First things first: do you still fancy each other? If not, get divorced right away. If your wife is really ugly you could have an affair or find an attractive lady of the night. With regard to the food thing; try putting Ritz Crackers inside her, it’s not very erotic but it’s hilarious when she fanny-farts and crumbs fly everywhere. And as we all know, there’s no greater aphrodisiac than laughter.

Putting in The Ritz

Putting in The Ritz

Sexy Donkey

Sexy Donkey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a famous Hollywood actor. I can’t give away my identity as the press would have a field day, but since I made Top Gun I’ve had deep rooted issues with the fact that I’m really short. You can’t tell on screen as we hire even shorter actors to stand next to me, but my wife just left me and I’m back on the dating game. Any tips on finding that perfect partner?

Clamidia says.

Well ‘Tim’, its tricky. As you are only 3ft 6″ I’m afraid you’ll find it hard to find a woman who won’t think of you as some sort of sideshow freak. Size really does matter I’m afraid and having sex with someone of your diminutive proportions is just plain weird. So if you are looking for a partner who doesn’t have to carry you around in a papoose try http://www.tinypeople.com or date a pygmy.

Tom Cruise on a Date
Tom on a Date

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m falling in love with my son’s wife. I’m 56 and she’s 23. The other day I went round to their bungalow when I knew my son was out. As usual, I was looking through the window masturbating, when I saw her coming out of the bathroom dressed seductively in a towel. She then lay on her bed and started to pleasure herself with a Tonka toy. As she reached her climax she saw me watching though the window. I was hoping she’d invite me in for a portion but instead she screamed, ‘Fuck off you sick old bastard!’. I feel so rejected, what can I do?

Clamidia says,

Relationships can be tricky in the early stages, particularly if the object of your desire thinks you’re a twisted old pervert. I’d talk to your son about it and see if he thinks she’ll come around. After all he knows her best. In the meantime I’d find other windows to leer through until you can make her see sense.

Tonka Sex Toy
Tonka Sex Toy

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a pupil at a posh private school and my friends all make fun of me because I’ve never been buggered by a prefect. I’m ginger-haired, pale, have terrible acne all over my face and dreadful dermatitis over my entire body. Added to that, I’m buck-toothed, bozz-eyed, knock-kneed and gormless. I also have terrible body odour and my personal hygiene is so atrocious that I have seeping welts under my scrotum and fungal growths under my foreskin. And I’ve got piles. What can I do?

Clamidia says:

You sound delightful. If I were you I’d have a complete make over by someone off the telly. And then purchase some Preparation H Pile Lotion in readiness for your first uphill-gardening experience. Believe me it chafes at first and piles will only inflame the situation – or the situation will only inflame your piles. So practice first with something small, like a midget.

Pile Lube
Pile Lube

 

Dear Clamidia,

My wife keeps trying to stick her finger up my bum.

Clamidia says,

And your problem is what exactly?

Finger
Finger
Bum
Bum

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m worried that my father-in-law is becoming attracted to me. I’m 23 and he’s 56. The other day I was pleasuring myself with a Tonka Toy when saw him looking through the bedroom window at me. I got the impression that he was wanking into my window box. Anyway I screamed at him to ‘fuck off’ and called him a ‘sick old bastard’. I feel as though I may have hurt his feelings as he’s normally such a lovely man. He’s always buying us towels and offering to wash our windows. Also, being a Scout Leader he is a pillar of the community. But he did cum in my window box. What should I do?

Clamidia says,

It can’t be pleasant finding your father-in-law wanking into your window box, although sperm does contain plenty of proteins which probably help flowers grow. So take some comfort from that. You never know, if they grow really big you could win a flower show and then you’d be thanking him. I’d talk to your husband about it. Coming between a father and son can be hard, I should know, I’ve done it plenty of times, and it may well rip the family apart. His wife will surely leave him and you may lose your husband yourself. But don’t worry, he deserves it. And next time shut the curtains! You said you achieved a climax with a Tonka Toy. I’m sure my readers would like to know which model and where they are available.

Decorative Cum Bucket

 

Dear Clamidia,

Is it illegal to shag dwarfs in Poland?

Clamidia says,

No, it is perfectly legal to shag dwarfs in almost all of the European Union. In fact it is highly recommended, especially by dwarfs. Dwarfs are people too and should be treated with respect. They have the same desires as normal people, or indeed giants, pixies and gnomes. If you are looking to have sex with a dwarf I can recommend my lovely pal Jerry as he’s gagging for it and it would stop him chewing my furniture. Little bugger!

Tiny Giant & Super Midget

Tiny Giant & Super Midget

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