50 Shades of Clamidia

Darlings! Well it had to happen I suppose. Since ‘that book’ came out sexy people the world over have been living out their fantasies and spicing up their sex lives by slapping each other about and sticking things up each others holy places. But recently my inbox has been bulging with 50 Shades related problems. Here’s a just a few I’ve picked out today.

 

Dear Clamidia,

After reading ’50 Shades of Grey’ me and my husband started experimenting in the bedroom. All was going well until about 15 minutes ago when he tied my hands behind my back and tried double-fisting me. He’s now got both arms stuck up me Krakatoa and can’t get them out. I’m having to type this on my laptop using my nose. Please help as we’ve got dinner party guests arriving in half an hour.

Clamidia says,

Simply blow his arms straight out of your pussy by performing an enormous fanny fart.

Cow Fisting Fun

Cow Fisting Fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m writing this as I’m sat in the pub with my mates. We’re hiding from our wives as they’ve been reading ’50 Shades of Grey’ and have started demanding all sorts of weird sexual things. My wife wants me to tie her to the fridge and spank her with an egg whisk while calling her a filthy, stinking whore. Frank’s wife wants him to dress in a suicide vest and shag her rotten whilst shouting “Death to the Infidels!! ” and all our wives want to ram butt plugs up us. We’re all too afraid to go home, what should we do?

Clamidia says,

Well I supposed you’re all used to just climbing on top once a month, doing the business and rolling off when you’re done. Times have changed sonny. Women have all turned into perverts and as husbands you have a responsibility to satisfy their twisted demands. So get your asses home and do the most depraved things imaginable with the reborn hussies you call your wives. If that means getting a dildo shoved up your hole then you’ll just have to bite the pillow and think of England. It’s payback time boys. Oooo, and when you’ve done spanking her don’t forget to throw £20 in her face and call her a slag. Good luck!

Spanky Panky

Spanky Panky

Sexy Suicide Costume

Sexy Suicide Costume

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

My husband has always been crap in the bedroom, that was until I bought ’50 Shades of Grey’ to help spice up our sex lives. All was going well at first and I was enjoying dangling from the ceiling by my tits and being ritually spanked and humiliated. But he’s started taking it a bit far. Last night he made me crawl around the garden on all fours oinking like a pig and foraging for truffles. When I couldn’t find any he became very angry and started shouting at me. I’m so confused, what should I do?

Clamidia says,

Do a Google search for ‘truffles’ you stupid woman.

Spanking

Spanking

A Pig

A Pig

3 thoughts on “50 Shades of Clamidia

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