Hellooooooo my little love-munchkins!!
It’s not just ‘civilians’ that need the services of yours truly. My postbag has been stuffed with problems from famous celebs. It seems that a glamourous life of fame, wealth and privilege is too much for their poor little brains to cope with. Bless ’em!
So here’s a selection of the problems sent in by celebs recently. There’s lots more so I will post them here as soon.
Love & hugs,
I’m an aging female popster – some say I’m a living icon. Even though I’m in my 50s I still manage to sexily strut my stuff like a stripper half my age. Problem is when I perform my energetic dance routines a bit of wee comes out. What can I do?
Well Madge, there’s no holding back the march of time and you’ll just have to accept that you’re too old to prance around like an old trollop clinging to her youth. Let’s face it, you’re hardly “like a virgin” any more. With regard to the weeing thing – Tena Ladies do a marvelous range of incontinence products that will stop you peeing on the stage and creating a slip hazard for the other dancers, or maybe get some of those yellow “Wet Floor’ signs and dot them around the stage.
I’m an American celebrity starlet named after a famous city in France. I used to be the hottest thing in the media, but now those bloody Kardashians, Real Housewives and that stupid little kid Honey Boo Boo have stolen my limelight. I’m thinking of perfoming a ludicrous PR stunt to regain my title of ‘Queen of Reality TV’, any ideas?
Well the last advice I gave you about producing a sex tape certainly elevated you to dizzying heights and your cunning stunt was all over internet. You could start a foundation for under-privileged children or donate huge sums of money to the needy, or you could just get your tits out like you normally do.
Where’s my f**king pills?!! They were here and now they’re not here so I can’t f**king find them as they’re not f**king here. I might have put them over there, but I looked over there and they’re not f**king over there. So if they’re not over here and they’re not over there, where the f**k are they?
Ozzy, have you tried looking in your hand?
Ozzy Counts to One
I’m a stick thin former ‘Space Girl’ and fashion designer married to the world’s most high-profile footballer, or as they say in the USA, soccerball star. I have a blessed and priviliged life. Trouble is I’ve spent so much time pouting over the years that I can’t open my mouth wide enough to give my husband a blowjob, any advice?
Simply employ someone to crank your mouth open with a car jack, then wedge it open with some blocks of wood. That should do it. If not, drill a hole in the back of your head and give him a reverse blowjob. Good luck!
I’m a famous American rapper. I would tell you my name, but I haven’t got a clue what it is as we all look the same and I’ve forgotten which one I am. Any tips to help me regain my identity.
Well….check to see if you wear ridiculous clothes, pants halfway down your legs, a stupid hat, badly spelt gangster tattoos, vulgar jewellery and have an entourage of deranged looking minders. If so you’re probably……. oh hang on……yes, I see your point.
I’m a geriatric playboy and live in a playboy mansion with a bevvy of brainless slappers that I call my …… somethings… I’m not sure. Anyway, even though these ‘somethings’ are pea-brained jezabelles I’m beginning to feel that I’m just really a dirty old man using my fortune to molest young women. Dear Clamidia, I’m a geriatric playboy and live in a playboy mans…. is it time for my commode?
Hugh, hello Hugh! Concentrate! You won’t remember, but I went to a party at your mansion many years ago and I can remember you dressed in pyjamas chasing me around a snooker table, slobbering and asking to marry me. So yes, you are far too old to be having sex with young bimbos and you should be ashamed of yourself. You may say that these girls are over the age of consent, but most of them have the IQ of a sandwich so that’s no excuse. So take your pills, sit on your commode and try to remember to pull your pyjama bottoms up.
Appropriately Aged Bunny
I’m a British tennis player and have just won my first Grand Slam title. I’m so pleased because it means that I can finally give up tennis. It’s such a boring game and I’m sick of running up and down and up and down hitting a stupid ball over a stupid net. It’s childish and I only ever played it because my parents made me and I can’t do anything else. So I’m looking for a new career – any ideas?
Well I don’t blame you. You’re right, tennis is stupid, but not as stupid as the tennis audience who seem to think that a pigeon flying over the court is hilarious and that wearing a silly hat is tantamount to anarchy. But anyway, in terms of careers; you can’t be a pundit as you’re too boring, you’re not exactly model material and you can’t be rent-boy as you’re too old. As you’re Scottish you should keep out of the sun, have you thought about a career in deep cast mining?
Andy at Work
I’m a world famous reality tv star. My name is er….. Bim Bardashian. Anyway, I’m having a secret lesbian fling with another major celeb called er….. Whitney Beers. Well it’s all being going great until last night when another major celeb called er….. Hymen Powell and his mate er….. Peorge Plooney caught us having sex with another major celeb called er….. Weonardo Di Slapmio. We all ended up having an orgy. Whitney and Hymen had sex in the hot tub and I had a threesome with Peorge and Weonardo. Then the doorbell rang and before we knew it a whole host of other celebs burst in including Harre Belly, Lennifer Haniston, Bonald Grump, Don Trabolta, Lemi Boore, Bill Smith, Hennifer Lofez and Lobert De Bero. It turned into a night of drug-fuelled sexual depravity, but little did I know that Manny De Bito was hiding in a plant pot and filmed the whole thing, and now he’s blackmailing us. We want to hire an assassin to kill him as the press would have a field day and it would bring the whole celeb bandwagon crashing down – do you know any assassins we can contact?