Latest Problems

Hellooo Darlings!! Since word has got around that I’m back, my inbox has been stuffed tight with your naughty dilemmas. Here’s a selection –

Dear Clamidia, 

I’m a highly sexed lady in my mid-50’s. The other day I decided to experiment with vibrating love-eggs and went to the supermarket with the eggs stuffed up my foo-foo. At first it was fine and I’d had 17 orgasms before I’d even got to the fish counter. But at the self-service checkout I bent down to pick up some carrots I’d dropped and the eggs popped out onto the scanner. It rang up a £13,500 bill before I could pop them back up me and I can’t afford to pay it. I am currently sitting in the managers office with two security guards. Any ideas how to get out of this?

Clamidia says,

Make up a bed in the warehouse and put out for a week. Make sure you give the trolley bloke a go though, I’m sure they’ve never had as much as a sniff in their lives – poor souls.


Up my foo-foo

checkout 2

Checkout floosie







Dear Clamidia,

I’m considering having my anus bleached – any advice?

Clamidia says,

You’re considering what? Ass bleaching! Why would anyone……. hang on, let me Google it……

Ok, looks expensive. My advice is to do it yourself at home with a toothbrush and some Domestos. Ass bleaching – whatever next, clit-blasting?


Feminine Bum Bleach









Dear Clamidia,

I’m a ‘Real Housewife’ off the telly. I live in California with my husband because he’s rich. I have a fabulous lifestyle and all I do is shop, moan and gossip. But I’m finding this lifestyle unrewarding, it neither stimulates my intellect nor satisfies my instinctive need to help those less fortunate than me. I’m considering enrolling on a course so I can gain the knowledge that I need to establish a charitable foundation. Any advice.

Clamidia says,

Have you thought about having a brain transplant?

real housewife

A Real Housewife







Dear Clamidia,

I’m the leader of a quasi-religious sex cult. My name is ‘The Great Rama Lama Dingdong’. Not only do I get to shag my own harem full of gorgeous women every day, I am also fabulously wealthy and I do absolutely bugger all the rest of the time except play pool, watch footie and drink beer. I can’t describe how happy I am. The trouble is, out of sheer boredom yesterday I stuck an Action Man up my arse and I can’t get the bastard out. Any tips?

Clamidia says,

I’ve often fantasised about having Action Man up my back passage, but if it’s the one with the gripping hands you might have a bit of trouble extracting him from ‘Le Mission Impossiblé’. Whether you’ve got chapped lips or your backside requires superlube, Vaseline’s always the answer. So get one of your fancy women to Vas you up and remove our intrepid friend with a sink plunger.


Sex Toy


Rumpy Pumpy

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