Oooooooo a whole page to myself!! What fun!!
I suppose I should tell you a little about me – your favourite agony aunt and sexpert!
People are always saying to me, “Clamidia, can we stop now, I’m getting sore!!”, and other people say, “Clamidia, how did you acquire your deep understanding of sex?”. Well…….
I’ve shagged countless people; men and women, young and old, dwarfs and giants, gays and straights, priests and nuns, kings and queens, movie stars and DJ’s, footballers and ballerinas, rock stars and binmen. I had a couple of transsexuals in Swindon once which was pretty confusing, but bags of fun!!
I’ve have twosomes, threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes, sixsomes, sevensomes, eightsomes, ninesomes and on and on up to about fortysomes. I’ve shagged in churches, palaces, the Houses of Parliament, mansions, toilets, mud huts, night buses, farms, planes, trains, prisons, tv studios and once riding a bicycle on Kings Road in Chelsea.
I’ve done shagging, licking, sucking, pumping, dildos, enemas, watersports, whipping, spanking, bondage, BDSM, domming, subbing, DPing, anal and just about anything else within the bounds of human acceptability. And loved it all darlings. I’ve not necessarily enjoyed it all, but I love the fact that I did it and didn’t shy away. I don’t shy away from things easily.
So you tend to pick up a few tips along the way.
Anyway, I decided to put my knowledge to good use and pass on my wisdom and experience to you the public. You poor people get into all sorts of scrapes and I’m destined to help you out. Call it fate, or Kismet if you like.
I do chuckle so at your antics. You really get yourselves into an awful lot of bother. So it’s my duty to help. I suppose I might get an OBE one day for ‘services to shagging’.
Some rotten people call me a slag, a dirty harlot and worse, but it doesn’t bother me. Even though they are twats, they are entitled to their opinion. But I don’t think I am. I am an independent woman enjoying my God-given talents and my lovely sexy body. I enjoy other peoples bodies too and love to give them pleasure. Can’t argue with that now can you? Otherwise, what’s the point of having a body at all? We might as well all be jellyfish or ghosts!
That book that everyone is harping on about, ’50 Shades of Grey’, is all very well, but the woman in it is too submissive for my liking. If I got hold of that Christian fella I’d shag the bugger’s brains out till he could take no more, stick a Rampant Rabbit up his jacksie and pack him on his way whining like a baby!! No darlings, I’m all woman, make no mistake about that!!
So I started writing my agony column and pretty soon I found that I had thousands of followers, then tens of thousands and then hundreds of thousands. And so it goes on. One day maybe I will have millions following my columns and blog and I’ll get a knighthood! That would be nice.
And I’m now writing my new book ” Coming Clean with Clamidia Staines”. It includes tales of my sexy adventures and some stories I’ve made up out of my own head because I’m very creative and have a way with wording things. My book also includes lots of the problems that you have come to love so much.
Anyway, as I like to say sweeties, lie back and enjoy the ride, as there’s so much more to come.
So join the Cult of Clamidia and let’s all go on sexy adventures together.
Love & Hugs
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Copyright H E Roberts 2007. All rights reserved.