Oooo Sweeties, Jesus popped in for a chat today. Yes, Jesus Christ Himself! How thrilling!! I haven’t seen him for ages! We’ve been friends ever since the incident with the….. well never mind about that, but anyway, he asked me to pass on his thoughts about the latest furore about Him being married. Here’s how the conversation went:
Thursday: In my living room at Clamidia Manor.
*KAPOW!!!* Jesus appears on my sofa
Jesus: Hi Clamidia!
Me: Holy CHRIST!!!
Jesus: Yup! That’s me.
Me: No, I meant, Holy Christ you nearly gave me a heart attack!! Don’t just ping in like that unannounced!!
Me: That’s alright Sweetie. I’ve not seen you for ages, come here, give us a hug.
Me: So what are you doing here? You’ve not got that problem with your….
Jesus: No no no…. nothing like that. It’s cleared up now, thank Dad! No, I need your help with something else.
Me: Go on……
Jesus: Well, have you read in the papers about they’ve found some papyrus with some note about me being married to Mary Magdalene?
Me: Yes, I did see that…. I thought you were……
Jesus: Well, that’s the point you see…… I think it’s about time I clarified the situation.
Me: Well it has been 2000 years sweetie, that’s a long time to keep something like that to yourself. It’s caused a lot of crap down here y’know – wars, oppression, American Evangelists……
Jesus: Hmmmmmm…. yep, I’m sorry about that. Well, the thing is I’ve decided to tell the truth, the whole, undeniable, plain-faced, actual truth. No fuzzy edges, no grey areas, no room for misinterpretation. What do you think, are they ready for it?
Me: No, but they never will be. It’s going to cause a lot of bother you know. Especially with the Catholics and all those American fundamentalists, and the Jews, and just about everyone else to be honest.
Jesus: What, you think I should keep my mouth shut?
Me: No no. Tell it like it is I say. So how can I help? Would you like a G&T?
Jesus: Ooo yes please!! Well, I’m wondering if you can put a note on your blog from me and reveal to the world my true word? The truth about who I am.
Me: Of course I can sweetie. Why don’t you do it yourself?
Jesus: Well the internet connection is terrible in Heaven and I’ve forgotten my password and you’re so much better at these things than I am – look what happened last time.
Me: True, but I think your being a bit of a chicken. But for you Jeezy, I’ll do anything you know that.
Jesus: Thanks babe. How’s Jerry the Dwarf and Hubert?
Me: Stop stalling…
Jesus: (Thanks) Ok ok….. I’ve prepared a brief press release, here it is. Could you put this on your blog and then let me know how it goes down?
Me: Sure I will. Does your dad know about this?
Jesus: Yes, I told Him this morning.
Me: How’d he take it?
Jesus: Pretty well actually. He was a little shocked at first, but once we’d talked about it, He came around and was quite understanding.
Me: That’s nice.
Jesus: I was bloody relieved I can tell you.
Me: So this press release then, let’s have a look.
*Jesus passes me press release. I read it*
Me: Ok, that’s pretty…erm….. explanatory. This is going to cause mayhem!! Love it!! Your spelling is atrocious darling!
Jesus: Well I had to translate it from Hebrew. So will do you that for me?
Me: I’ll do it this afternoon darling. Want another G&T?
Jesus: Ooooo yes. Got any Pringles?
So sweeties, that was that. We spent the rest of the morning getting drunk and chatting about theology and the Kardashians, He’s not a fan. Then He gave me a hug and off He popped. So without further ado, here’s the press release.
Press Release by Jesus
The Way It Actually Is
by Jesus Christ – Bsc Hon
I know that for 2000 years you’ve all been fussing about trying to interpret The Bible and my teachings and I’m very sorry for the lack of clarity. The truth is that I thought I could leave it up to The Disciples to pass on my Word, but you just can’t get the staff and getting the general public to understand my doctrine is like trying to get a bunch of four year olds to understand quantum physics (Dad says sorry about the quantum physics thing btw)
Well anyway, one of the central tenets of the Christian faith was based around the fact that I am the Son of God and was celibate during my time on Earth. Also important to note is that it was documented that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute (I’ll come back to that in a minute).
Well…. the thing is that I was not celibate and I was actually married, but not to Mary Magdalene. I was actually married to…. Peter.
I know that this may come as a bit of a shock to you all, as the good money was on Mary, but I’m afraid that is inaccurate and I feel that I should at last put the record straight.
I appreciate that finding out I was married to a man flies in the face of all you have held holy for centuries, but bear with me. For a start, Peter was really cute and I just went with my feelings. Also, as The Son of God, I’ll do what I damn well please and you’ll just have to accept it I’m afraid.
So this kind of turns things upside down a bit and it’s only fair that I explain the implications of this piece of news. So here goes (I’ll type slowly so you understand this time).
I am what you would call ‘Gay’, but I’m not you see because if I’m gay and I’m The Son of God, that makes being gay straight. Which means that if you’re straight, you’re now gay and if you’re gay, you’re now straight. With me so far?
Now I was married to Peter, which means that ‘gay marriage’ is acutually the norm and ‘straight marriage’ is an abomination in the eyes of The Lord.
So the rules have changed somewhat. “But where,” might you ask,”does that leave the priesthood?”. Well this is where things get really interesting.
If a priest has taken a vow of celibacy, then he’d better un-vow it pretty darn quick or he’ll be contravening the word of The Son of God, which is blasphemy. So all priests now have to have gay marriages, well, ‘straight’ marriages as gay now means straight, or they’ll go to Hell in a hand-cart. This also applies to The Pope who I think should get married to the Archbishop of Canterbury as I think that would be kinda sweet. If priests refuse to follow my example and marry a man, then they will be excommunicated and sent downstairs , but to be honest with you, on past evidence, I don’t think they’ll have too much of a problem with it.
Now, what about everyone who’s got married to someone of the opposite sex? Well, I’m afraid all their marriages are, from this moment, annulled and they’ll all have to get married to someone of the same sex. UNLESS, they are already in a gay marriage, in which case they will have to get married to someone from the opposite sex. Unfortunately this means that they are in contravention of my Word and will have to get divorced immediately and marry someone gay, or straight. I’m think that’s how it works anyway. It’s quite confusing, but hey, Dad’s not the only one who moves in mysterious ways.
So that’s about it really. Oh yeah…. lay off Mary Magdalene! She was really cool and we all loved her dearly. It was only when the Bible went through it’s umpteenth revision that she got called a whore by some blokes in silly hats. So the WORD is, she was a good woman so leave her alone. In fact I think you should worship her too.
Anyway, that’s about it for now. I hope you find it in your hearts to make these adjustments quickly, as if you don’t Dad will smite you.
For further information please email Clamidia at firstname.lastname@example.org and she’ll forward them to me.
I sincerely hope you all get it right this time – good luck!!
Jesus Henry Christ