Today’s Top Problems!

Dear Clamidia,

I’m really crap in bed and so’s my wife. We’ve read other advice columns and followed their instructions, and I can’t tell you how much body chocolate my wife has licked off me or how much fruit I’ve stuck up her chuff, but to no avail. I still can’t get a stiffie and my wife’s last orgasm was on a donkey in Blackpool. Please help as we’re bored shitless with each other.

Clamidia says:

Poor souls. I’ve read many advice columns and all they ever say is: use body chocolate, stick food up each other, shag in the airing cupboard or dress up like a slag when your husband least expects it. First things first: do you still fancy each other? If not, get divorced right away. If your wife is really ugly you could have an affair or find an attractive lady of the night. With regard to the food thing; try putting Ritz Crackers inside her, it’s not very erotic but it’s hilarious when she fanny-farts and crumbs fly everywhere. And as we all know, there’s no greater aphrodisiac than laughter.

Putting in The Ritz

Putting in The Ritz

Sexy Donkey

Sexy Donkey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a famous Hollywood actor. I can’t give away my identity as the press would have a field day, but since I made Top Gun I’ve had deep rooted issues with the fact that I’m really short. You can’t tell on screen as we hire even shorter actors to stand next to me, but my wife just left me and I’m back on the dating game. Any tips on finding that perfect partner?

Clamidia says.

Well ‘Tim’, its tricky. As you are only 3ft 6″ I’m afraid you’ll find it hard to find a woman who won’t think of you as some sort of sideshow freak. Size really does matter I’m afraid and having sex with someone of your diminutive proportions is just plain weird. So if you are looking for a partner who doesn’t have to carry you around in a papoose try http://www.tinypeople.com or date a pygmy.

Tom Cruise on a Date
Tom on a Date

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m falling in love with my son’s wife. I’m 56 and she’s 23. The other day I went round to their bungalow when I knew my son was out. As usual, I was looking through the window masturbating, when I saw her coming out of the bathroom dressed seductively in a towel. She then lay on her bed and started to pleasure herself with a Tonka toy. As she reached her climax she saw me watching though the window. I was hoping she’d invite me in for a portion but instead she screamed, ‘Fuck off you sick old bastard!’. I feel so rejected, what can I do?

Clamidia says,

Relationships can be tricky in the early stages, particularly if the object of your desire thinks you’re a twisted old pervert. I’d talk to your son about it and see if he thinks she’ll come around. After all he knows her best. In the meantime I’d find other windows to leer through until you can make her see sense.

Tonka Sex Toy
Tonka Sex Toy

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a pupil at a posh private school and my friends all make fun of me because I’ve never been buggered by a prefect. I’m ginger-haired, pale, have terrible acne all over my face and dreadful dermatitis over my entire body. Added to that, I’m buck-toothed, bozz-eyed, knock-kneed and gormless. I also have terrible body odour and my personal hygiene is so atrocious that I have seeping welts under my scrotum and fungal growths under my foreskin. And I’ve got piles. What can I do?

Clamidia says:

You sound delightful. If I were you I’d have a complete make over by someone off the telly. And then purchase some Preparation H Pile Lotion in readiness for your first uphill-gardening experience. Believe me it chafes at first and piles will only inflame the situation – or the situation will only inflame your piles. So practice first with something small, like a midget.

Pile Lube
Pile Lube

 

Dear Clamidia,

My wife keeps trying to stick her finger up my bum.

Clamidia says,

And your problem is what exactly?

Finger
Finger
Bum
Bum

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m worried that my father-in-law is becoming attracted to me. I’m 23 and he’s 56. The other day I was pleasuring myself with a Tonka Toy when saw him looking through the bedroom window at me. I got the impression that he was wanking into my window box. Anyway I screamed at him to ‘fuck off’ and called him a ‘sick old bastard’. I feel as though I may have hurt his feelings as he’s normally such a lovely man. He’s always buying us towels and offering to wash our windows. Also, being a Scout Leader he is a pillar of the community. But he did cum in my window box. What should I do?

Clamidia says,

It can’t be pleasant finding your father-in-law wanking into your window box, although sperm does contain plenty of proteins which probably help flowers grow. So take some comfort from that. You never know, if they grow really big you could win a flower show and then you’d be thanking him. I’d talk to your husband about it. Coming between a father and son can be hard, I should know, I’ve done it plenty of times, and it may well rip the family apart. His wife will surely leave him and you may lose your husband yourself. But don’t worry, he deserves it. And next time shut the curtains! You said you achieved a climax with a Tonka Toy. I’m sure my readers would like to know which model and where they are available.

Decorative Cum Bucket

 

Dear Clamidia,

Is it illegal to shag dwarfs in Poland?

Clamidia says,

No, it is perfectly legal to shag dwarfs in almost all of the European Union. In fact it is highly recommended, especially by dwarfs. Dwarfs are people too and should be treated with respect. They have the same desires as normal people, or indeed giants, pixies and gnomes. If you are looking to have sex with a dwarf I can recommend my lovely pal Jerry as he’s gagging for it and it would stop him chewing my furniture. Little bugger!

Tiny Giant & Super Midget

Tiny Giant & Super Midget

My Movie News!!!

Great news sweeties!! I’ve signed the film rights to my movie “I Clamidia”. It’s with a MAJOR Hollywood studio. I have been bound by LAW not to mention which studio it is, as it’s of PARAMOUNT importance apparently.

As for who will star in the role – the internet is ABUZZ with rumours and gorgeous Hollywood starlets are gagging to play me. Hunky actors are lining up like doggers to take the male lead. Ryan Gosling, George Clooney and Channing Tatum have all yet to confirm or deny that they are interested in playing Hubert McGrubert and Hulk Hogan had yet to confirm or deny that he will play my father Stan, but I’m still hopeful. No news yet on who will play Jerry the Dwarf, but I’m hoping Tom C***** will put himself forward.

How exciting!!!!!!!! Watch this space for more hot movie gossip!!

Love you all!

Clamidia xx

 

Ooo! And don’t forget to follow my blog by clicking “Follow” at the top of this page. Don’t miss out on all the new problems and exciting news.

Sexy Religious Problems!!

Darlings!!

Here’s a selection of problems I received from some religious leaders. I’ve noticed that there aren’t any female religious leaders out there, so come on girls, let’s all set up religions and beat these despots at their own game!! xx

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a pope and I live in a vatican in Rome. I am writing with two problems:

1) I am facing a crisis of conscience as, although I am the leader of one of the world’s major Christian religions, I’m really a pagan at heart. I only took on the job because I’d been out of work for a while and needed the cash. All I really want to do is dance naked around a camp fire worshipping the Forest God and frollicking with sexy young women. But I get well paid as a pope and I enjoy the adoration so I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot. Any tips as to how I can achieve this without being rumbled and getting sacked?

2) Another thing that’s really getting on my tits is that everyone else in my vatican gets loads of sex and I’m not getting any action at all. I feel really left out. What should I do?

Clamidia says.

Use one of the many secret chambers under your vatican to erect a secret shrine to the Forest God and then hold depraved Bunga Bunga parties with Silvio Burlusconi. He knows loads of slappers who’d be more than happy to shag you for a couple of cocktails and a few quid. Then you get to have lots of sex and appease your conscience and you get to keep your job. Good luck!

Pope in a Pickle

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a Dalai Lama. I travel the world spreading peace and enlightenment. Trouble is I’ve got a massive schlong and it’s creating some embarrassment for me. I’m just a normal guy and subject to the physical conditions all men face. In other words, at dawn prayers my morning stiffie pokes my orange robe up like a scout’s tent and whacks me on the chin when I bend over to pray. It’s hard to concentrate on enlightenment with a cock on your chin and your students sniggering behind your back. Also I’ve got an appearance on ‘Good Morning America’ coming up and I’m worried that my ding dong will make an unscheduled appearance. Any advice?

Clamidia says,

Get some duct tape and simply strap your ‘ding dong’ between your legs like transvestites do. Remember not to sit down too fast though or you’ll end up shagging your own bum. You wouldn’t want to “become one with yourself” live on breakfast tv now would you.

Deli

Llama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m the leader of an American fundamentalist Christian organisation and I hate gays a lot. Loads in fact. I’m always harping on about it.  Why can’t men be proper butch like Freddie Mercury? Sometimes as I’m relaxing at home listening to George Michael or Elton John, I think, “These gays should all rot in Hell”. Anyway, my problem is that I’ve developed a crush on my mate Eric and want to shag him up the bum. I’m so confused, what should I do?

Clamidia says,

I think you should shag Eric up the bum.

Christians

Christians

Bumhemian Rapsodomy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m an Archbishop of Canterbury and I’m at odds with the ordination of women bishops. Its not that I think it distracts the male clergy as most of them are either gay or into young boys, but it’s just that the women bishops never stop yakking and it’s doing my head in. How can I get them to shut the fuck up?

Clamidia says,

Nothing shuts women up faster than a nice cup of hot chocolate and a cake. Either that or stick your cock in their mouths.

Arch

Arch

Bishop

Bishop

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a well known American tv evangelist. I spend my days ranting into a television camera and duping old ladies out of their retirement funds. I’m unbelievably wealthy, live in a huge mansion with a fleet of luxury cars and have an hareem of gorgeous women to satisfy my perverse sexual demands. Trouble is, after all the cocaine and hashish I’ve taken I’m beginning to develop a conscience about my deplorable behaviour and am considering changing my ways. What can I do to quash these thoughts as I don’t want to end up like some boring pious twerp?

Clamidia says,

Have you thought of becoming porn baron or international drug dealer? It’s a more honourable profession and you get to continue your life of excess.

TV Evangelist

TV Evangelist

Hot from My Bulging Sack

Helloooo my little Love Munchkins!

Here’s a couple of saucy problems from my post bag today. Oh how I love the pickles you get into.  I turn my head for a minute and you’re off inventing new ways of cocking  your lives up!  Luckily I’m here to offer a steady and experienced hand! Read on sweeties!

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a handsome, muscular gardener in my early 20s. Each day I tend the gardens of lonely, middle class housewives. As I mow their lawns, shirt off, beads of sweat running down my bronzed body, muscles tense with physical exertion, these so called ‘ladies’ invite me into their houses for a cooling glass of lemonade. They then undo my jeans and perform intimate sex acts on me. Then I take them over their kitchen tables and thrust and thrust and thrust again, their bodies heaving and writhing with pleasure until they reach an ecstatic climax as my huge member pounds like an unstoppable locomotive. But I feel so cheap, what can I do?

Clamidia says:

You poor boy. My heart goes out to you. It would seem that you need ‘one-on-one’ counselling to help ease your worries. A young, muscular, virile man like you requires an experienced hand, and my lawn needs mowing. I will forward my personal contact details and look forward to helping you at this truly difficult time in your life.

Huge Cock

Huge Cock

Hellooooooo My Little Sex Monkeys!!

Well once again you just cant seem to keep yourselves out of trouble! Here’s a selection of the problems sent to me this week by you my adoring public.

Dear Clamidia,

My girlfriend wants me to talk dirty to her in bed but, being a bouncer, I’m a bit shy. Just last night she screamed at me to talk filthy to her but I panicked and shouted, ‘Your Mam’s a Bastard!!’ She loved it, so I shouted more and more and more and more. Well pretty soon the whole pub was chanting it and then her Mam came in. Being an old lady it seemed rather tight for a pub full of people to be calling her a bastard. I want to buy her a special present to say sorry. Any ideas?

Clamidia says,

Being a bouncer you’ve probably got to save your money for steroids so take her to Wetherspoon’s for a couple of hours like everyone else does. Let’s face it, she used to think powered egg was as good as it gets so you’re quids in. And try to persuade her to have the scampi. She’ll want roast beef, but its terrific fun sniggering with the kids as she wipes her chin with rocket salad thinking it’s a napkin. Also as a special surprise you can get your youngest child to present her with some cheap chocolates from the market.

Rocket

Rocket

Salad

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I want to have nasal sex but my boyfriend isn’t keen. I love the thought of taking it up the sniffer. But he says it’s a ridiculous idea. How can I persuade him?

Clamidia says,

Firstly develop a serious cocaine habit and destroy your septum until you’ve only got one nostril like that blonde thing who used to be in EastEnders. Then get a bottle of Tequila. Pretty soon he’ll be up for anything and you’ll really know the meaning of the expression ‘Getting your brains shagged out!’

Nose Vagina

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

My wife wants a sexy threesome with her gorgeous mate Suki and me. Every day she describes in intimate detail how her and Suki are going to put on a girl-on-girl show and give me a night I’ll never forget. Trouble is, I’m currently serving 10 years for armed robbery. She’s a complete bastard. I’m sure she does it on purpose. But I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth and am planning a daring escape. Any advice?

Clamidia says,

Escaping from prison can be tricky. I’d erect a giant catapult out of spoons I’d stolen from the kitchen and propel myself over the prison walls, steal a car and race to the nearest airport, where I’d hi-jack a plane and crash land it in a field, jump out of the burning cockpit and run to the arms of my lover to live the fantasy. Alternatively, you can lie in your squalid little cell masturbating.

Cell

Cell

Master

Master

Baiting

Baiting

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

I’m a voluptuous and extremely alluring sexy Russian spy. My name is Nataliah. The trouble is, I get terrible cystitis sometimes when I’m spying. What can I do?

Clamidia says,

Cranberries, cranberries, cranberries, and lots of them darling! They may drop out occasionally, but just discreetly pop them back up you when you are ‘undercover’ with a hunky foreign agent.

Cranberries

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Clamidia,

My wife seems to be losing her sex drive. She’s 92 and I’m 25. Each night I try to romance her and treat her with sexy surprises such as lingerie or nipple clamps, but she just falls asleep in front of the telly, mouth open, dribbling. When she does eventually wake up, I sexily peel off her cardigan, undo her bra and, after her commode, I whisk her to the bedroom for rampant sex. But she just seems to lie there like she’s not interested, even when I’m going down on her or licking her armpits. She’s so selfish and doesn’t seem to understand that I’m a young man and have ‘needs’. What can I do to ignite her sexual fires?

Clamidia says:

Well have you thought about getting her one of those Rampant Rabbit vibrators? The more powerful the better. That should kick-start the old engine. Or how about making her wear sexy thigh-length boots then whipping her with a riding crop. Old people’s skin can be tough as Rhino hide so make sure you whip her soundly. That, the combination of the Rampant Rabbit and maybe a butt plug thrown in for good measure, will certainly liven the old dear up a bit. If not, try peeing on her. Good luck!

Octogenarian Jezebel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t forget to look in the archive for more hilarious sexy problems xx

 

Copyright H E Roberts 2007 -2012  All rights reserved. No part of the wording on this blog may be used, published or distributed for commercial gain, but please feel free to share for non-commercial use online. Clamidia Staines is a character created by H E Roberts and is protected by copyright. Please do not attempt to recreate, or pose as the character in any way. All rights very much reserved.